The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Text me some of your sweat
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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