I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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