i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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