i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
