you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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