She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
