I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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