I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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