I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
