The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
