New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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