TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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