you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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