I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
