I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
