Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
