New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
