This dress was meant to end up on your floor
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
