soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
