You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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