Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
