i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
At least life still wants to fuck me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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