my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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