I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
