Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
accomplished twins. life is a go
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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