i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
