Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
