I can't watch pbs sober anymore
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I smell like Dick and happiness
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