it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
