woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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