I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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