In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I can't trust your balls anymore.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
