Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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