tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
