this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
