You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
