So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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