my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
