life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
