Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
