i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
