saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
