Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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