he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
