If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
