You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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