i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
