I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
