R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
