you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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