all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
