Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
