So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
