there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
