I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
