girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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