screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We just shotgunned beers for America
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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