I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
