3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
