i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
