thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it was like eating out sand paper
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
