I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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