CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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