Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
