so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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